Daily Journal-- 2/17/11

Everything in my life if arbitrary. I go to school to try to improve my chances at a better future, I go to work to try to save money for my future, and I workout to try to keep myself in shape for the future. I feel like way too much pressure is being put on the future, that I never will really be able to enjoy the present. When I'm 22 years old and out of college, will I still be looking beyond, to my later years... Or will I come to the reality that the future is now? I think that if one's eyes aren't open to the life around them, and focused on the life ahead of them, then they will let some great opportunities go. But then again life in general is simply a lengthy prelude to salvation. Mortality only has so much to offer, and every man is weak. I still fumble with the belief that every man holds his own destiny. If everything happens for a reason, and God has a plan for every man, then who really has the control? I wonder if the various impulses in our body, physically forcing us to take some sort of action, are really our own impulses. But then again, I have done a lot of things that I don't think God would be proud of me for doing. If he didn't want me to do, why didn't he stop me? Or is it that every negative encounter we deal with in life really does serve a purpose? Whether it teaches us a lesson, or prepares us for an even more difficult experience, it was designed to help us in the long run. I don't fear death. Yet, I do have fears, which is contradictory towards my last statement. If I do not fear death, I  SHOULD NOT fear anything... yet, I can't help it. I fear humanity. Sometimes I lose faith in the concept that there is a little bit of good in every person. Some acts that people partake in are just too evil to believe that they have good intentions. I wish for a world in which every member enjoys comfort, but I know it's extremely unrealistic, given the fact that I have a great life and am still not comfortable in my own skin. I want to change the world, but I don't even know how to change myself. It's tough...