Daily Journal-- 3/2/11

How ridiculous I was as a kid. I had a high, squeaky voice and got nervous about every little thing. I remember a speech that I had to give when I was in sixth grade, and by the time it was finished I was literally drenched in sweat from head to toe. Although I think it is silly now, and I laugh it off when people bring up my past, I still have some of the same traits that I did back then. It was discovered that I have anxiety, which makes me naturally nervous and paranoid very easily. That's probably why I'm always doing goofy things like shaking my arms to try to literally shake off some of my nerves. Some people say I shake and twist my arms so quickly that I look like a flailing octopus. Another problem that I still have is that I blush very easily. But people take that to be a sign that I am embarrassed a lot, when in reality it is just my face reacting to my nervous thoughts. It's a habit I wish I could stop, but I don't think I will ever fully grow out of my anxious behaviors. I will probably be an old man still blushing and shaking his arms around as he walks his daughter down the isle on her wedding day. I don't take pills for my anxiety, though, because my mom thinks it is unnecessary. I kind of agree, because I know that those pills would be very easy to get addicted to, and I have other things in my life that can temporarily ease my mind. For example, writing. Anytime I pick up a pen to write a book, I feel at ease with myself and am happy to take myself to distant worlds. See, in my writing I can be anybody I want, and I can surround myself with some of the greatest people in the world. Writing is equivalent to dreaming... only you, not your subconscious, are in control. Another facet for me to ease my mind is by being with my friends. We always have a great time together and we tell lots of jokes to take my mind off of other thoughts. I hope that someday I will grow out of my problem, but I know that it probably won't happen for a very long time, so instead I come up with coping methods that help me come to terms with myself, at least.